obese

Dig Deep

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Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle.” That’s a quote by Napoleon Hill. It’s funny how our current emotions pick out which words stand out at the time. For me, the words continuous effort and struggle  remain imprinted on my mind after reading the sentence. But what about strength and growth, which are more positive words? Maybe it’s because this past week, for me, was mostly about effort and struggle. The first week I hit my goals somewhat easily, with some adjustments to the working out goal, but this last week was a hot mess. The struggle to do them took continuous effort and struggle. I know that blogs shouldn’t go over a certain number of words or else you lose the readers at some point. A lot of things happened this week to qualify it as a hot mess, but I want to share them, so I’m going to break them out into sections.  If you aren’t interested in some of it, you can skip it, or if you want, you can read all of it. Buckle Up. The ride is about to begin.

Food Nightmare-

I’m a comfort eater. I’ve learned that over the past few months. I get upset and I want cheese cheese enchiladas mostly, but anything else I’m not supposed to have will do. This past week, every day at work, someone wanted to go out to lunch. We usually work through lunch, and for some reason I was needing comfort, so I went along with it. I’m not even going to tell you what I ate. It’s was a food nightmare that kept reoccurring every lunch hour this week. All I know is that it has to stop. This coming week I’m going to try to figure out what is driving me to do this, acknowledge it, and address it instead of trying to eat it away. I’m also a social eater and find myself following the leader. After I sat and thought about it a while, my in town family, husband included, and friends love to go out to eat. None of them make healthy choices and I follow along. A few times I’ve made a healthy choice and had to defend myself and keep repeatedly having to push away the appetizer dish that keeps getting shoved in my direction. I have to stand my ground and not be pushed around. It’s hard not to when the people around you don’t support you. I have to give that thought up and support myself and my goals.

Sugar Insanity

Two weeks ago I blogged about either quitting sugar completely or moderating myself. I hadn’t decided which way to go yet. The first week I did OK moderating my sugar in take, but this last week I lost all control. I had candy, cookies, donuts, ice cream and more. I even bought the donuts under the disillusion that I was doing it to be nice to my work peeps and that I wouldn’t eat any of them. How on Earth did I think I could resist them? Any time I thought about never eating sugar again, it triggered a response that urged me to eat all that I could because I’d never eat it again. This is a very real fear, especially since I know sugar addiction is very close to a drug addiction. I’ve quit sugar before, and I know that once you get past the trauma and drama of it, you don’t care for sugar anymore. It becomes a non-issue. The question is how do I get to that point? I’ve done it before so I have to deep into the cobwebs of my memory to figure out how. If I remember correctly, I just did it cold turkey. I may not do it cold turkey this time since the panic of it going away for ever was very damaging to my health this last week. My plan is to only have one dessert items once a week (probably ice cream on Saturdays). The idea is that after a while I’ll not even want that ice cream.  Along with working out again, hopefully my mindset will become more directed at getting healthy instead of eating badly.

Daily Burn and Exercise

Sadly I didn’t start my Daily Burn program back up yet and that was a mistake. I can’t beat myself up over it, but I can make it right. I’ve been having trouble getting myself out of bed in the mornings. I’ve gotten stuck in old routines of hitting the snooze button on the alarm and having a slow morning. The bad thing is, my brain needs the training as much as my body does. The good old brain thinks its OK to eat whatever it wants because it has no other reason not to. The problem is I’m supposed to be in control of what I’m eating. I certainly lack the drive to get back into it. I have plenty of motivations. My knees still hurt when I put pressure on them and when I go up and down the stairs. My clothes don’t fit right. I’ve been wearing what Iv’e started calling my fat clothes on Mondays so that I don’t feel like a stuffed sausage. This is because I was totally bad on the weekends. I have made some progress though, and I have to applaud those and not just focus on the bad. I’ve walked twenty minutes each day, some days more. I’ve started parking my car in the space that’s the farthest from the building, and forcing myself to walk up the stairs. Whew, there are some days that I’m super grouchy about doing it too. It’s sometime discouraging because it’s just one flight and I’m sucking air. Also, a co-worker mentioned that his fiance is interested in bicycling and wanted to meet up to talk about it. It would be great to have someone I can ride with and help get into it. There is so much to learn about the sport and really nothing out there you can read. My husband and I had to learn it the hard way. I’m super excited about it. With me being the only motivator in the house, and not feeling motivated at all, not much is happening. It’s hard, but living a healthy life is a daily commitment. I just have to find my way.

Distorted Self-Image

This past week I’ve been thinking about my self-image. My daughter sent me a picture from a lady she follows on Instagram, @fatgirlfedup. She showed a two-sided picture of her and her boyfriend–may have been her husband–and they were both very much overweight. The second half of the picture showed them both after two years and they were very healthy looking. She had mentioned that she never intended the larger picture to ever be seen but it made her realize the truth of what she really wasn’t. The words what she really wasn’t stuck with me. The image I have of myself is of a woman who is overweight but not too bad. I have a confident gait and hold myself well but I don’t see myself as obese. This image is probably part of my problem. My brain has an attitude of Hey, you aren’t obese so you got time. Well Ms brain, according to the scale I AM obese. Friday my back was hurting and I noticed that I was sitting slouched down in the chair and my thighs were higher than the arms of my chair. Now I have to have the arms low enough to slide under my desk but still. Then I started thinking…that’s pretty much how I sit. My thighs and butt have always been the biggest part of my body and they made it hard to sit straight up sometimes. My under arms can wave at you, and at this point my stomach is uncomfortably tights in my pants. I’m able to cover all of this up with clothes but this doesn’t cover up that the issue is there. I need to accept what I really am not so that I can get to where I want to be.

What now?

I continue to dig deep into my subconscious mind to find the reasons why I do these things in an effort to bring a stop to the after effects.

I stand up to the food bullies no matter how strong the pressure.

I work out and continue to climb those stairs even if I don’t want to.

I understand that I can make it to the self-image that I want.

I focus more on the words strength and growth in the quote instead of continuous effort and struggle.

I have faith that I can do this.

 

If you read the whole thing, thank you being a trooper and taking the time to follow me through this journey. Sometimes its a long one. If you didn’t have time to read it all, thank you for reading some of it. Maybe that section helped you in some way. I hope you come back to read the rest when you have time.

Another goal I haven’t posted is to write something, even if it’s one sentence, on the weekends no matter how busy I get.

Until next week. Eat Well and Prosper!